Lou C. Ferr’s Altar Removal Service

By

Dalen Keys

 

Three Actors:

            Actor One: Lou C. Ferr

            Actor Two: Bill Z. Bub

            Actor Three: Pastor or associate Pastor – use a real Pastor if possible

Pastor:  SAYING SOMETHING IN THE ORDER OF SERVICE – MAYBE LEADING INTO PRAYER.

Two men dressed in workmen’s clothes, wearing hats and gloves come in the back.

Lou: I’m telling you. This has been a day.  I bushed.

Bill (pointing at the altars): There they are, Lou.  Let’s get’em and get outta here.

Pastor: Wait a minute, who are you guys?

Lou (Lou and Bill walk up to the Pastor.  Lou gives his business card): Oh, excuse us.  I’m Lou, of Lou C. Ferr’s Altar Removal Service and this is my partner, Bill Z. Bub.

Pastor: What?

Bill (showing the pastor a clipboard): We’re supposed to remove these altars.  See, this is order number 666.  We’ll just be a few minutes, Sir?

Pastor: But what’s going on?

Lou: Just another altar removal.  It’s happening all over and we’ve been swamped.

Bill (pointing at the altar): These things are just not needed these days.

Lou: And they’re just not politically correct.

Bill: They make people feel guilty.

Lou: They really embarrass people in front of the crowd.

Bill and Lou: It’s just not right!

Pastor: But this is where people come to pray.

Lou (rubs finger across the altar like it is dusty): Oh, come on.  They’re hardly used.

Bill: Trust me. No one will even miss them.

Lou (Bill and Lou nod knowingly at each other): And, besides, they’re not handicapped accessible.

Pastor: But, -

Bill: They’ve just gotta go.  Hey, Lou, get that end (pointing at the other end of one of the altar sections).

Lou (Lou and Bill pick up one of the altar sections): You bet, Bill.

Bill: Hey Pastor, think of all the space you’ll have.

Lou: You could put up some bingo tables - or maybe open a bookstore.

Bill: You could be a bestselling author. All the Pastors are doing it.

Lou: Maybe sell some of those books by that Keys guy.

Pastor: But, --

Bill (points at the cross): Hey, you want us to get that cross out of the way while we are here?

Pastor: No way!

Lou: Just thought I’d ask.  We’ll be right back for the rest of these (motioning with head or hand at the other altar sections).

Bill: Just go ahead with your service.  You’ll hardly know we’re here.

A spokesperson for the Egyptian Institute of Archeology announced today the successful translation of an important ancient document.  The document is a scroll dating from 1885BC which was a portion of the country’s newspaper of the day (which was called Egypt Today).  This scroll contains an exciting interview conducted by Egypt Today (ET) with Zaphenath-Paneah.  Bible students will immediately recognize this as the Egyptian name for Joseph, the son of Jacob.  We are pleased to exclusively share the translation of this scroll with you.

 

ET: Thank you for taking a few minutes out of your busy schedule to talk with us today.

 

Joseph:  My pleasure.

 

ET: Joseph, Sir, you are second-in-command to the Pharaoh.  You wear the Pharaoh’s signet ring enabling you to act on behalf of the Pharaoh.  You are only in your thirties.  How do you explain your success?

 

Joseph: That is a very good question.  I am amazed myself.  But, I have come to realize that I am only here by the will of God.

 

ET: Yes, the gods have been kind to you.

 

Joseph: Let me be clear.  I said God, not gods.  The one, and only, true God brought me to Egypt at just the right time.

 

ET: Oh, excuse me, Sir.

 

Joseph: No problem, I just wanted you, and your readers, to understand.  God has intervened for me and He has intervened for Egypt during this time of drought.

 

ET: Speaking of the drought, we understand that your brothers recently came to Egypt and visited you.

 

Joseph:  Yes, they did.  They were suffering in this drought too and they needed food.  I was excited to see them.

 

ET: How many brothers do you have?

 

Joseph: 11

 

ET: How is your relationship with your brothers?

 

Joseph: It’s great now; but, it wasn’t always so good.

 

ET: That sounds interesting.  Tell us more.

 

Joseph: Oh, sure, you want me to spill my guts on my family’s dirty laundry.

 

ET: Sorry, Sir, but we have heard so many stories about you and your brothers.  We’d like to know the truth.

 

Joseph: Seriously, it’s really no problem.  I’m glad to share my story. 

 

ET: Please do.

 

Joseph: My father loved me very much.  You might say that I was a spoiled brat.  I tattled on my brothers whenever I could, I flaunted any gifts that my father gave me.  My father once gave me a special coat and, oh my goodness, I rub that in my brothers faces.   I tell you, I was a brat.

 

ET: I heard that things got very bad with your brothers.

 

Joseph: Only if you consider being sold as a slave as “bad.”

 

ET: They sold you?

 

Joseph: Yes, they did.  Was it right of them?  Absolutely not.  Do I now understand their motives?  Absolutely, yes.  It was my dreams that pushed them over the edge.

 

ET: Dreams?

 

Joseph: Yes, I’ve always been able to interpret dreams.  It’s a gift from God that eventually got the attention of Pharaoh and probably saved my life; but, that is all another story. 

 

ET: My little brother drove me crazy but I don’t think I would have sold him, unless the price was really good.

 

Joseph: Exactly.

 

ET: Looking back at those years with your brothers, what would you have done differently?

 

Joseph: I wasn’t acting out of love and respect for my brothers.  I wanted to be the center of attention.  I somehow knew that God had great things in mind for me but I didn’t communicate this well with my brothers.  I was a brat.

 

ET: Love and respect.  We could improve all of our relationships with more love and respect.

 

Joseph: I agree.  Too often we are thinking only of ourselves, our needs, our desires.  Love seeks the best for the other person; even brothers.

 

ET: But, things have worked out for you.

 

Joseph: Very true.  God can take bad situations and work wonders.  Looking back, I can see that I needed to go through those tough times.  I needed to change the way I acted toward other people.  I needed some humility.

 

ET: How are things with your brothers now?

 

Joseph: We are reunited.  We have forgiven one another and we are friends.  I thank God for that.

 

ET: Joseph, thank you for your time today. Your impact on Egypt has been truly amazing and we thank you for you service to this country. 

 

Joseph: Thank you for your kind words; but, I am just doing God’s will.  It has been a pleasure talking with you today.

We just had a great time in Colorado Springs and Denver!  I highly recommend the following:

1. Garden of the Gods
2. Royal Gorge Bridge
3. Celestial Seasonings Factory Tour
4. The Chapel at the Air Force Academy
5. Buffalo Bill's Grave Site
6. Hammonds Candy Factory (don't forget to check out the "oops" room)
7. Bishops Castle (be prepared for Jim though)
8. Cliff Dwelling Ruins
9. Cave of the Winds.

And, if you are a quilter, you must add:

1. Being a visitor at a meeting with the Alpine Quilters in Evergreen and with the Smoky Hills Quilters Club in Aurora (just tell them, "Dalen sent you"),
2. Shopping at Holly's Quilt Cabin,  the Great American Quilt Factory and Rita's Stitchery.


My daughter insists she is going to live out there now.

If you are in Oklahoma City, and you are a quilter, take the time to drive out to Hennessey, OK and visit the Prairie Quilt Shop.  Randa Parrish and the folks working there are so friendly and helpful.  I had the opportunity to visit with them for a book signing of Just A Quilt?  I have to admit that I got more and more nervous about this adventure to this rural small town the closer I got.  It reminded me of those summer vacation trips to visit my Grandparents in Kinsley, KS.  When I pulled up in front of the building (my worries about a wasted day being fortified by being able to park right in front of the store) it was just one more old store along a Main Street that seemed to have plenty of businesses that were struggling.  But then I stepped inside.  Now, don't take me wrong, it was still an old store but the friendliness of everyone immediately brushed away my fears.  It was clear that the fabric selection was great as you browse the three rooms of fabric and  walk over a wonderful creaking wood floor and enjoy the old tin ceiling overhead.  Do ask to see the classroom upstairs.

Thanks Randa for inviting me!

http://www.prairiequilt.com/

To my surprise, I had the day off before speaking to the Edmond (Oklahoma) Quilt Guild in the evening.  So, I decided to follow the advice I was given by the great people at the Prairie Quilt Shop in Hennessey, OK and tour Guthrie, OK.  It being outside of tourist season and it not being a weekend, I pretty much had the town to myself; although, I have to admit that being so alone made it feel just a little like a Twilight Zone episode.  Nonetheless, I had a great time.  The day was all I could hope for - warm with a clear blue sky.  So, I walked around town and even toured the Territory Museum and Carnegie Library. 

HISTORIC INTERLUDE: Interestingly enough, in 1907 the state capital moved from Guthrie to Oklahoma City - evidently in an overnight shady move.  The governor at that time sent his personal assistant, Mr. Anthony, to get the state seal for the vault at the current capital (relocation of the physical location of the capital took a move of the governor and the state seal).  Mr. Anthony presented the order given to him the governor to the clerk on duty.  The clerk promptly fetched the seal, wrapped it in Kraft paper, typed a receipt and gave the seal to Mr. Anthony.  Thus, this clerk play a small role in facilitating the move of the capital to Oklahoma City.  Now, the reason for the historic interlude, the clerk on duty was "Earl Keys."  Yet again, I wonder if my ancestors unwittingly participated in history.  Oh, well.


BACK TO THE STORY: My touring kind of wore me out.  So, I grabbed a coffee and decided to rest on a bench under the shade of the trees outside of the post office.  I light breeze made this so pleasant.  I enjoyed watching the pickups coated with red Oklahoma mud go past.  People pulled into the mail drop off lane and nodded politely at me.  A few folks wandered into the bank across the street.  Then I noticed the sign behind me.  I was sitting at the location of one of the two land offices where people had to personally come to file their land claim from the Land Run of 1889.  This lonely location of 1889 overnight soared to 20,000 people waiting to file their land claim.  This town appeared out of nowhere.

I let my mind wandering back in time.  I wondered what it was like in the Gaffney building in 1890 or the neighboring J. B. Beadles building.  Suddenly, these old buildings with the beautiful cornices and moldings represented the hopes and dreams of real people.  In my mind, I heard the clomp of horses passing along the streets and the laughter of children playing in the distance.

I slowly came back to 2010 and just relished participating in this day in Guthrie.  I guess I am becoming one of those old guys that sits on benches in the town square of so many small towns and dreams about the days of long ago.  I used to make fun of those old guys.  I guess I deserve this fate - and it's really not so bad.


If you are in Oklahoma, I encourage you to make time to visit Guthrie.

I am often asked, "Do you think that earthworms go out to parties?"  Being a well known expert on the cultural and entertainment preferences of worms, I certainly don't mind these questions.  It is always best to consult with experts after all.  Earthworms are well known for their wild parties; after all, they crawl around in the dirt naked. 

But, today let's talk about a much more serious issue.  Worms too often give in to peer group pressure.  They basically have no backbone (really, they have no backbone).  We are fortunate to have the transcript from a recorded conversation between two earthworms, Sal and Vinnie, that bumped into each other,

"Hey, Vinnie, nice tunnel your digging there."
"Thanks, Sal."
"You doin' anything later?" asked Sal.
"Thought about goin' fishin' but I hear the fish are biting," said Vinnie.
"Bummer," said Sal.  "Say Vinnie.  Have you ever, well, gone Out?"
"What do you mean - Out?"
Sal motioned upward with his little worm head," You know, Out - wide open spaces."
Vinnie starred at Sal in shock.  "Heavens no!  Why would I do that?"
"Aren't you even a little curious?" Sal asked.
Vinnie shook his head.  "No, not really."
"Well, I going Out," said Sal. "I want to see what's up there."
"I bet it's scary," said Vinnie.
Sal shook his head.  "I think it's going to be great.  Come with me.  I'm going tonight."
"Well, I would but I have to do my nails," said Vinnie nervously.
"Excuse me, Vinnie, but you have no nails," said Sal.
"I'm kind of scared to go," admitted Vinnie.
Sal smiled.  "Me too but I'm going anyway."
"I guess I could go an take a little peak," said Vinnie.
"That the spirit Buddy," said Sal.  "Let's meet here at 9pm."
"Okay, I guess," said Vinnie.


See what I mean, no backbone.  Vinnie caved.  Sadly, I found Vinnie and Sal on my driveway the next morning along with a multitude of their friends.  They had just come up to take a quick look.  They hadn't planned on rain.  Poor guys.  Tragic.  CPR on a worm is really tough - and just not very pleasant.   

Finally. we are getting some nice weather.  The winter has been dark, cold and endless.  The winter lasted so long I started bonding with my snow blower - and there is something evil about that.  Worse yet, I've gotten snow blower envy for my neighbors snow blower.  However, today there is no snow and the weather is warm and the sky is blue!  This morning I had to run out to do a few errands and I noticed the following things people were doing on this nice day.

1. spreading mulch - nice smell, hard job,
2. shopping at yard sales - Antiques Roadshow here I come,
3. picking up debris in the yard - "wait a minute, didn't this come from the neighbors yard" 
4. trimming old plants from last year's garden,
5. taking a ride on the motorcycle - as I get older this gets more and more appealing,
6. spreading fertilizer - no way, this only enables #7,
7. mowing the yard - way to early for this in my opinion,
8. sitting in the sun and drink iced tea - maybe this is what I did.

I also got plenty of time to work on a new manuscript idea, an adventure for 9-12 year olds, titled, The Sacred Mountain.  This is step out of my children's picture book norm.  We'll see how it goes. 

But, tonight is tough.  Do I watch the Ten Commandments or the Final Four Basketball Games?  It would make it so much easier if Charlton Heston was coaching one of the teams or if Moses was referee at the basketball games.  Decisions, decisions.

I just returned from two days of vending at the quilt show in Warminster, PA,  sponsored by the County Line Quilt Guild.  They organized a wonderful show and I highly recommend that you mark this one on your calendar for the future.  The facilities were great, the food was good, there was a very nice display of quilts and a nice selection of vendors.  The people from the guild were extremely friendly.  Thanks very much County Line Quilt Guild!

I began watching the people visiting the show and for some reason I decided to focus on what each person brought with them to the show; or, happend to be carrying at the show.  This might be a useful reference for anyone planning to visit a quilt show for the first time in the future.  This highly researched list will allow you to blend in quickly.  I give this information in statistically validated order from most popular to least popular.


1. Money and credit cards.  I suggest that Guilds consider using venues that have ATM's or ask a local bank to set up a temporary branch office.

2. Shopping bags bursting with fabric, quilts, patterns and the latest tools.  Shopping carts might be a nice addition to ease any ergonomic concerns.

3. Camera.  An essential for recording your favorite quilt, coolest block or hottest vendor (so many people got me mixed up with George Clooney).

4. Purse.  Almost always carried by the owner but occasionally carried by the token male (see number 10 below).

5. Show Program.  These are carried proudly like passports and are sometimes used for #8 below.

6. Literature.  Vendors, like me, love to load you up with about five tons of literature.  This literature is often carried in #2 or #4 above but is sometimes loaded into the loving hands of #10 below.

7. Cell Phone.  The most popular calls being,
    a. "I'm is row 1,023, aisle K87 standing beside the guy that looks like George Clooney.   You've got to get over here right now and 
         see this quilt."

        ; or,

    b. "No, Honey, I haven't spent a dime."

8. Fans.  Menopause is a bummer.

9. Scissors.  I haven't really figured this one out yet.

10. Husbands.  The husband always looks ashamed; especially, if they have been blessed with #4 above.  They are almost always carrying #3 (this makes them feel useful).  They are always looking for: 1) a place to sit down,  2) the food. 


So, there you go.  You now have the experts guide to fitting in at a quilt show.  I do welcome corrections and additions.

I've just returned from a wonderful time with the Martin County Quilters in Stuart, FL.  This was really a terrific group.  Even though the weather outside was frightful (really - torrential rain - of the cats and dogs family), they came out to the guild meeting.  As usual, I stayed for Show and Tell.  I love Show and Tell!  Everyone is so excited to see the latest work of their fellow guild members.  Everyone is so encouraging of every single piece.  I could really use such excitement and encouragement everyday!  I wonder, what if we had Show and Tell for our lives.  I guess it would go something like this -

Show and Tell Hostess: "Okay, everybody, this is Dalen Keys and he is sharing with us an email he sent at work today.  Any comments, Dalen?"

Dalen: "Well, thanks, I think you covered it.  I'd just like to add that I needed to be really careful because this was a touch subject and I didn't want to get anyone mad at me."

Hostess: "It is just wonderful, Dalen.  Thank you very much for bringing it."

Dalen steps off the stage to the applause of the audience.


Of course this is sillyness but it does point out to me that we don't take enough time to applaud those doing the wonderful, tedious, tough stuff around us everyday.  Try taking a few seconds and do so -

Dalen: "So, son, you did your homework tonight"

Son:  "Yes, I did, Dad."

Dalen:  "I'm proud of you, Son.  Thanks for doing it.  It's beautiful."

Son: "You're weird."

Dalen: "Thanks, Son."


or,


Dalen: "Honey?"

Wife: "Yes?"

Dalen: "Did you do the laundry today?

Wife: "Yes, I did.  It took me all day.  What's wrong?"

Dalen: "I just wanted to say thank you for doing it.  It's wonderful and it smells so fresh."

Wife: "Are you on drugs?"

Dalen:  "No, no, no you silly goose.  I'm just thankful for all that you do!"

Wife: "Well, thanks, I guess.  Are you sure you're okay?" 



Thanks to the Martin County Quilters for a wonderful time!

A friend of mine at church recently made a DVD of a fun little skit I wrote.  It is now on YouTube.  You can check it out at:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GCnG6gmbFE