Lou C. Ferr’s Altar Removal Service

By

Dalen Keys

Three Actors:

            Actor One: Lou C. Ferr

            Actor Two: Bill Z. Bub

            Actor Three: Pastor or associate Pastor – use a real Pastor if possible

Pastor:  SAYING SOMETHING IN THE ORDER OF SERVICE – MAYBE LEADING INTO PRAYER.

Two men dressed in workmen’s clothes, wearing hats and gloves come in the back.

Lou: I’m telling you. This has been a day.  I bushed.

Bill (pointing at the altars): There they are, Lou.  Let’s get’em and get outta here.

Pastor: Wait a minute, who are you guys?

Lou (Lou and Bill walk up to the Pastor.  Lou gives his business card): Oh, excuse us.  I’m Lou, of Lou C. Ferr’s Altar Removal Service and this is my partner, Bill Z. Bub.

Pastor: What?

Bill (showing the pastor a clipboard): We’re supposed to remove these altars.  See, this is order number 666.  We’ll just be a few minutes, Sir?

Pastor: But what’s going on?

Lou: Just another altar removal.  It’s happening all over and we’ve been swamped.

Bill (pointing at the altar): These things are just not needed these days.

Lou: And they’re just not politically correct.

Bill: They make people feel guilty.

Lou: They really embarrass people in front of the crowd.

Bill and Lou: It’s just not right!

Pastor: But this is where people come to pray.

Lou (rubs finger across the altar like it is dusty): Oh, come on.  They’re hardly used.

Bill: Trust me. No one will even miss them.

Lou (Bill and Lou nod knowingly at each other): And, besides, they’re not handicapped accessible.

Pastor: But, -

Bill: They’ve just gotta go.  Hey, Lou, get that end (pointing at the other end of one of the altar sections).

Lou (Lou and Bill pick up one of the altar sections): You bet, Bill.

Bill: Hey Pastor, think of all the space you’ll have.

Lou: You could put up some bingo tables - or maybe open a bookstore.

Bill: You could be a bestselling author. All the Pastors are doing it.

Lou: Maybe sell some of those books by that Keys guy.

Pastor: But, --

Bill (points at the cross): Hey, you want us to get that cross out of the way while we are here?

Pastor: No way!

Lou: Just thought I’d ask.  We’ll be right back for the rest of these (motioning with head or hand at the other altar sections).

Bill: Just go ahead with your service.  You’ll hardly know we’re here.